Products We Probably don't need

Electric Shocking Pager
     Your employees will never forget a meeting with these helpful
     reminders strapped to their bodies.  This unbreakable device will
     deliver a painful electric shock to notify them of all pending
     appointments and approaching deadlines.  Not legal for use on
     livestock.

Shrieking Sonic Mind Mangler
     Put on this sleek "virtual reality" helmet and you're guaranteed
     to clear your mind in under a minute!  Blinding strobe lights and
     screeching stereophonic sirens will overwhelm your senses in a
     cacophony of stimuli.  Requires ten D batteries, not included.

Stress Enhancement Tapes
     Don't lull yourself to complacent slumber with sounds of ocean waves
     & forest breezes; pop in these jarring cassettes and keep your edge!
     Feel your skin crawl as the sound of braking trolley cars, multi
     vehicle highway accidents, and low-flying jets assaults your ears
     on the Urban Rhythms tape.  Thrill to the sounds of screeching howler
     monkeys defending their territory on Shrieks of Nature!  Forty-seven
     tapes in all.  Hurry !   Supplies are limited.

The Enchanted Chalkboard
     Spend a thrilling evening with Itchi, Peruvian master of the Musical
     Chalkboard, as his talented fingernails scratch out your favorite
     tunes on this four album collection.  Every hair on your body will
     stand on end during his half-hour scraped rendition of Moon River.
     Be moved to tears by his masterful two-handed interpretation of
     Chariots of Fire.  Perfect for the office!

FlossTracker
     How many times has this happened to you: you just gorged yourself
     on roast beef and corn on the cob, yet you discover you're now
     out of dental floss!  Well, you'll never be without floss again
     with FlossTracker, the advanced software solution from FlossWare.
     Record your hourly flossing activity in the Spreadsheet Module
     to generate an exhaustive statistical profile of your floss
     consumption, complete with three-dimensional distribution plots
     and histograms.  FlossTracker will even monitor your current floss
     inventory, projecting your floss needs for the coming weeks and
     automatically ordering additional floss as necessary from the
     nearest FlossWare Regional Distribution Center.  FlossTracker
     requires a Pentium PC with 32MB of RAM, 1.2GB of storage space,
     an atomic clock, a Romulan cloaking device, and Windows 95.